twenty something

As I look to the year ahead, I feel myself holding my breath and ready for a big exhale. While I know a new year is not an automatic reset or magic switch, I do anticipate God will do great things in this depth of joy. I have a lot of hopes for 2021. I’m moving to a new city, putting down roots and pursuing a long time dream of becoming a counselor. I hope to read at least one book a month (maybe even two!). I hope to continue working toward my health holistically and healing my body from all the autoimmune diseases. Let’s be honest… I hope to fall in love! I hope to start the process of putting down roots & having a place to call home. I hope to continue to pursue emotional and spiritual health, healing and in turn, walk with others in seeking redemption.

A Reflection from NYE 2020

With a blizzard sweeping through the west side of Chicago, January 1 has come. 2022 entered last night…whether banging pots and pans, fireworks or gunshots. As I look back on my hopes and expectations for 2021, I’m grateful. I was longing for a season where I could finally breathe again. As I was closing out this last year, I kept telling others how I finally felt like a weight had been lifted off and I was able to breathe, thrive, living well. Being in grad school full-time and working full-time has been challenging. My life is full but it’s all so good. I love what I’m learning and feel so much purpose and fulfillment in my day-to-day life. Did all of my hopes and dreams come to fruition this year? No, not exactly. I didn’t fall in love, but I learned more about myself and grew in that area of my life. My health didn’t necessarily get better. I read more books than I set out to.

2021 brought a new and unexpected diagnosis, continual grief, and greater depth of awareness. But the richness and nearness I felt with the Lord in all of it was a saving grace. I walked through some beautiful things this year and some difficult things. As I look ahead to the year ahead, I echo my hopes for this past year. I’m entering into my last year in my 20s in just under three weeks, continuing meaningful work in my job, and chipping away at more classes in grad school. I’ll continue making Denver home. Continue pursuing meaningful relationships and community. All in all, trusting the Lord and abiding with Him, one day at a time.

I got to go home for Christmas this year, spend it with my parents and brother in WI. We laughed a lot, played hours of Scattergories and just enjoyed each other. Now, I’m in Chicago seeing friends. Monday, Gracie & I will travel to Phoenix for a week to visit Sam, Kevin, baby Noah.

holy ground awaits

In just about 12 hours I’ll be traveling from DEN to EWR and finally to TLV. The airport has become a second home of sorts for me over the last six years. It’s been over three years since my last Passages trip and over two years since I’ve in Israel. The gravity of all that has transpired and changed over these years is quite a bit. It’s more than I have the capacity to recall. And yet I sense God is beckoning me to return with these eyes of mine; to steal a phrase from a dear friend, with “grief healed” and “grief filled” eyes. I’ve lost track of how many trips I’ve taken to Israel…we’ve made it to the double digits. And God is consistent in meeting me in only ways that He can.

Over six years ago I took my first trip to Israel and spent a semester studying in Jerusalem. It changed my life, in more ways than I can really say. It changed my heart, my eyes, my capacity, my mindset. In the years since, I’ve had the privilege to be involved with and work for Passages. It’s been one of the greatest gifts and honors of my life to call such incredible people friends, co-workers, co-laborers, and the ultimate dream team. The last time I led a Passages trip was over three years ago and I went to Croatia for a week afterward. I remember the palpable gravity of that journey. My last trip to Israel was a little over two years ago in March of 2019. I had just moved to Croatia and had the opportunity to be equipped with discipleship training in Israel. My life looked so different then. I was living in Europe, doing youth ministry, adjusting to a whole new life that I was in for the long haul. Tomorrow I leave for Israel again. Except now I’m living in America, living a life I never expected to. Yet, I’m grateful; on the precipice of some holy ground, walking by the leadership of the Spirit, with these grief healed eyes. I’m believing I’m seen, known, and loved on this grand journey.

rebuild and restore

You rebuild, You restore
All that’s broken From the ruins
You redeem, You return
All that’s stolen From your children
That’s what You do

God’s heart is always set on redemption. His plan is centered on Eden. He won’t stop until we return. Since the day He’s grafted me in, my heart has been attuned to the truth that He is after redemption. He faithfully sits with the troubled, the broken, those in the ruins. As I stand in between, in this season, I’m standing on holy ground, entering into the preparation of giving my life to redemption.

Almost fifteen years ago my life was dark and broken. In the ruins. I was hopeless, in despair, and seemingly far out of reach of redemption. But the Lord called me His and redeemed me as far as the east is from the west.

Today I was officially accepted into the Clinical Mental Health Counseling MA program. The last few years (and truly my life’s story) feels as if it’s been leading up to this point, this precipice. On this Friday evening, preparing for Sabbath, I give Him honor and glory. Because He brings beauty for ashes. He turns sorrow to gladness.

an unknown goodbye

Exactly 365 days ago I walked out my apartment door in Malešnica, got in a taxi and headed to the bus station in Zagreb to catch a bus to Vienna. I had some doctors appointments the next couple days before heading to Czech for a month.

When I said goodbye to Ema I distinctly remember her saying “goodbye forever!” somewhat sarcastically, but in hindsight that goodbye holds more weight to it than I care to feel. Goodbyes are hard…unknown goodbyes are thievery. Ema and I had only lived together for a few months and God opened doors in unexpected and providential ways to make that happen. So the “give and take away, blessed be the name” was confusing.

I remember waiting to board the bus to Vienna on that February afternoon, feeling the weariness of my tired heart and the expectation of what awaited me the next month. I’d been asked to spend a month in Czech, scouting out a new position, to consider moving there and joining a new team. I boarded the bus and settled into my seat. The foreign chatter and companions on the journey had become a familiar soundtrack to my travels. I took bus trips often, whether for solo trips, doctor appointments, or work. God always met me on those journeys; His nearness and companionship bringing peace to my often weary soul.

I distinctly remember that bus trip to Vienna. I remember looking out the window, reflecting on how familiar these hills and valleys had become. I remember the night I got there. I found a taco place that served surprisingly decent Mexican food (that’s hard to come by in Europe). I remember it raining when I left the restaurant, being without an umbrella and relishing in the Vienna lights.

The next morning I went to see my doctor, going back and forth to various labs, getting x-rays, poked and prodded. It’s a humbling experience to do these things alone and in a language you can barely communicate in. After filling about 30 vials of blood (yeah, I was pretty loopy…not sure I’d recommend a solo train trip after that), I headed to the train station to catch a train to Ústí nad Labem in Czech.

The Robertson family was a welcome sight for my sore and tired eyes. Truth be told, they were (and are) some of God’s greatest gifts to me. We’ve walked through some treacherous waters together; we’ve laughed, cried, grieved, and rejoiced together. Ben and Sarah were heading to a marriage conference and I was sticking around to watch Phoebe and Jadon for the next several days. Though I was completely exhausted by the end of the week with the kiddos (big respect for parents and single parents out there), they were some treasured and sweet days. I now completely understand phantom crying, sleepless nights, getting real comfortable with sick kiddos in the middle of the night, and the full gambit. But goodness, the refining beauty, joy, sorrow, and love that parents have for their children is indescribable. And I pray I get to experience that gift someday.

After Ben and Sarah returned from the conference, we had a few days together before I boarded a train to Frydlant, expecting to spend four weeks there.

You know the rest of the story. Those four weeks turned into four months. The pandemic quickly reached Czech and borders promptly closed. I never returned to Croatia. The “see you in a month!” remarks to friends and coworkers turned into unknown goodbyes. My belongings have since been shipped via ocean back to America.

I don’t know when I’ll get to go back to Croatia and see the places and people I love. The tension and breath I hold for that expectation is great. If I could speak with the Alison who boarded that bus to Vienna 365 days ago I’d have a lot to say to her. Truthfully, the Alison 365 days from now would probably have similar remarks.

God sees, knows, and walks with you. Do not be afraid.

Yes, in this life I’ve been assured I’ll have troubles, tribulations, grief, sorrow, anger, pain, betrayal, loss, sickness… and yet, I’ve also been promised that He will be with me. His ways are perfect. I may not understand. Yet, I know, He walks with me and guides me.

One year later, I’m five weeks away from moving to Colorado to start my MA in Counseling…a long, long time dream and process. I begin this journey with the assurance that He walks with me and guides me, feeling the expectation of a season lined with His favor. I’m confident that the suffering and sorrow I’ve walked through has brought depth to my capacity for others, bringing redemption and healing.

a new era

A few more grey hairs, maybe a few laugh lines (but well-moisturized, thank you very much), and well caffeinated. This is 28.

27 wasn’t at all what I expected it to be. I lived in three different countries and didn’t have a permanent address for most of this trip around the sun (here’s to that changing this year!) I faced much adversity this year and wouldn’t have had it any other way. This year represented healing, big decisions, hearing the Lord’s voice, finding my voice and so much more. I continued the journey of what it means to be a peacemaker not only internally but externally. I decided to take a big and scary step of faith of following Jesus into the unknown and further follow my calling to be a peacemaker and see redemption in my life and other’s lives. I’m incredibly expectant for all that 28 will hold for me…calling a new place home, beginning to embark on a longtime dream of becoming a counselor, and moving to Colorado.

Last year I walked into 27 feeling as if I was in a dark tunnel and feeling disillusioned. I’m incredibly grateful for the light, clarity and freedom the Lord has given me this year, on the other side of the tunnel.

I spent the entire day wearing an apron, attempting to bake a crusty loaf of gluten free bread (not my best work, Paul Hollywood would not given me a handshake), cooking up chicken shawarma, aaaand making a dreamy gluten free lemon coconut cake. Such a dreamy day…the only thing that could make it better would be spending it with ALL the people I love, which is a lot. As the “happy birthday” wishes, notes, texts, calls, FaceTimes, & Marco Polos came through, I found myself thanking God for this life. I’ve been given such a rich, diverse and beautiful life full of people from ALL over the world. I’m overflowing with gratitude for all the people, places, and things my life is filled with. I’m thankful for a body that is healing, eyes that see, ears that hear… what a gift! This life is so beautiful and I’m so grateful for all the gifts that God has given.

depth of despair for depth of joy

It’s time to say goodbye to the year everyone can’t wait to say goodbye to. 2020… what a year. This stretch of time marked our world more than we’ve ever seen in our lifetime. The first few weeks were somewhat normal… and then the world seemingly stopped. Our planet experienced a pandemic, racial unrest and much more. It’s hard to even begin to comprehend all that this year held.

Pandemic aside, this year was one of the most turbulent, constantly changing, decision fatiguing, and shocking years I’ve experienced. Honestly, I thought 2019 was a rough year. I had no idea what was coming for me in 2020. I remember so clearly this day one year ago. For a few months prior, I felt God stirring something in me and prompting me that something was about to change in my life. I stood on a hillside with some of our youth group and friends, sparkler in hand, watching fireworks all across Zagreb explode in the sky. The days, weeks and months that followed were filled with sorrow, pain, loss, grief, joy, heartache, confusion, clarity, purpose, goodbyes, loss of identity, lack of security and so much more. I lived in three different countries and called many apartments home.

When I look back on this year, I don’t think I’d want to relive the events again. The sudden panic that came over our world as COVID first started, the utter darkness of George Flloyd being killed and systemic injustice, the uncertainty of the future… I wouldn’t want to relive those events. But when I think back on how this year brought a great depth of despair and pain, I realize how, only in that process, was I able to reach a greater depth of joy and faith.

As I look to the year ahead, I feel myself holding my breath and ready for a big exhale. While I know a new year is not an automatic reset or magic switch, I do anticipate God will do great things in this depth of joy. I have a lot of hopes for 2021. I’m moving to a new city, putting down roots and pursuing a long time dream of becoming a counselor. I hope to read at least one book a month (maybe even two!). I hope to continue working toward my health holistically and healing my body from all the autoimmune diseases. Let’s be honest… I hope to fall in love! I hope to start the process of putting down roots & having a place to call home. I hope to continue to pursue emotional and spiritual health, healing and in turn, walk with others in seeking redemption.

We live in a broken and corrupt world… there’s no denying that after this year. A new year signifies hope and anticipation for the future. Although the clock striking midnight will not wipe away every tear, we know that this upcoming year is held by the One who will soon wipe away every tear. He holds us. He is with us. Whatever 2021 holds… whatever our hopes and dreams are for this new page… He is with us.

consistent loyalty in extenuating circumstances

F A I T H F U L 
-remaining loyal or steadfast
-true to the facts

Faithfulness is the concept of unfailingly remaining loyal to someone or something and putting that loyalty into consistent practice regardless of extenuating circumstances.

We often throw phrases around and lose touch with the depth of the reality we’re speaking… “God is love, God is good, God is faithful.” A few days ago, as I was spending some time with the Lord, I was listening to this song that repeated the word “faithful” over and over again. I was struck by the phrase…as any good theologian does, I googled the word. (No, I didn’t do an in depth word study…sorry!) These definitions above struck me. In the last few years, and especially in 2020, we need this reminder of the reality of God’s faithfulness. He is loyal to us consistently, regardless of the extenuating circumstances we are in.

On one of the final days of my time at debriefing, we were given the gift of an hour of lectio devina. Lectio devina is a practice of reading scripture in prayer and meditation with various phases. During my time, I felt lead to listen to music as opposed to meditating on a passage of scripture. At the beginning of quarantine I stumbled upon some worship videos on YouTube that have been really sweet in my devotional times. You can check them out here.

I was struck by the words being sung…

“What do I lack that hasn’t been given?
What do I need that You won’t supply?
You feed the sparrow, You clothe the lily
They do not worry, so neither will I
You are faithful God

There is a love that’s already given
There is a grace that I could not earn
You pour out mercy, morning by morning
Your goodness covers me all of my days”

As I continue on in this journey, I cling to these words. This season has been filled with grief, pain, heartbreak, and being completely uprooted. But I know my God is faithful…He will supply every need and be faithful in these extenuating circumstances.

And I am thrilled about the healing God has given, so grateful for the clarity, and completely excited about these next steps!

safe and secure

Hide me deep inside Your heart, Lord
Cover me with Your wings
Bring me into safety
Bring me into fellowship with who you are, Lord
Father, Son, and Spirit
This is what I long for

This morning I woke up at 5:30 to the news that there’d been rioting and looting downtown. There’s been unrest in the world this year…but there’s been a lot of unrest in Chicago for a long time. The sirens are drowned out by all the overwhelm of what they signify and chase after. Early this evening tornado sirens echoed, the tornado alert went off on my phone and I watched the sky turn black around 5PM. I debated if I should go into the basement of my building or if I’d be okay in my studio. The skies are now blue and the sun is shining but I’m watching helicopters fly by.

We’re all holding a lot of grief, pain, trauma, confusion, anger, sadness, and restlessness. It’s a lot to carry. It’s incredibly heavy. At the same time we all probably have thoughts of, “If I only had this…then I’d be okay, safe, secure.” What’s your “this”?

I’ll go first… if I knew what my future held, where I’d live, what the rest of this year will hold then I would be secure and wouldn’t have so many questions. But really… my “this” is if I had a house, roots, home, a husband and kids then I’d be secure.

As I shared my “this” with a friend this evening, as we both lamented what this season has brought, she reminded me ever so boldly, “Your desire for that security, that covering, that safety is good. You’re created to want and crave that covering, security, leadership…it’s God’s design! The contrary of having it all together, independence and not needing anyone is the false sense of security.”

There will always be your “this” and when that “this” becomes tangible and comes to fruition, there will be another “this”. Don’t miss it… the Lord is the giver and He’s faithful to provide but our ultimate security lies in Him.

No plan of His can be thwarted. You can rest freely in the authority that He has already written the story. He will provide. You don’t have to be self reliant.

lessons from simmering vegetable stock

Like most people, quarantine brought out a new level of homemaker in me. I’ve pickled onions, made more loaves of banana bread than I care to admit, and considered making ginger ale. Quarantine regulations have started to lift here in the Czech Republic but I still have quite a few kitchen adventures I’d like to take.

Enter vegetable stock…

A few months back I started collecting my veggie scraps into a plastic zip bag to freeze. Onion, carrot, garlic, sweet potato, celery…etc. I’ve gone through quite a few vegetables but of course the skin, the outer layer, the rough part, needs to be shed, peeled or discarded. After about a month the bag was finally full and ready to be put to use. The simple task of emptying the bag of scraps into a big pot, covering with water, and bringing to a boil would produce a bounty of flavorful vegetable stock.

As the aroma filled the kitchen, the connection to this refining season filled my mind.

This season of life hasn’t been easy for anyone. I’ve reflected over the last weeks, reminded that there is nowhere on earth I could go to “escape” the nightmarish year we find ourselves in. But even as this year will leave us broken, bruised, stripped bare, I believe it will bring us as individuals and as humanity to a greater, richer, more full result.

The process of actually “cooking” the vegetable stock was almost too simple. I emptied the full bag of vegetable scraps into a big pot, filled it with water, let it boil and voila…it was done! But the process to get to this point was long!

I started peeling, cutting, chopping, discarding, seperating, and breaking apart these vegetables months ago. Much like we all have been stripped bare these last few months.

The average person would look at these scraps and just say, “Just throw it away! It’s useless!” But instead, I chose to store it away and prepare it for a greater purpose, using all of it. Just like God uses all of us, our brokenness, our torn apart lives.

When the scraps were in the pot, simmering in the water to produce the final result, they steamed and boiled. The pressure increased. They were “hard pressed.”

After boiling and infusing their flavor into the water, I strained the scraps from the final result. You see, the scraps had to be under pressure in order to become a new creation. Then, and only then, could they be poured out for another purpose.

The process of actually “cooking” the vegetable stock was almost too simple. But the end result added flavor, depth and had a new purpose.

every little gift

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These days have been filled with plenty of gifts. I’ve fallen off the rhythm of posting my weekly Sunday blog posts of God’s kindness throughout my week but I’ve still been remembering and reflecting on His goodness. These past few weeks have been full of many highs and lows, questions and answers, conversations, cooking and baking, rest and reflection and just good stuff!

I’ve had plenty of hikes, walks in the woods on my own and long walks with friends. It’s been such a gift to explore and see the beauty of Czech. Early on in quarantine (beginning of March), I was diagnosed with two different autoimmune disorders that have had me making quite a few adjustments to my lifestyle and diet. It’s truthfully been really fun to spend more time cooking, paying more attention to my health and listening to my body more intentionally. I’ve been amazed to see how my body has reacted to cutting out inflmmatory foods.

About a month ago, we took a trip to Pisek and Prague. I got some photos in the beautiful yellow fields of grapeseed flowers. Seriously one of my dreams! They are just fields of gold.

There have been so many sweet times with the Lord….He’s spoken so clearly in this season to me. It’s been hard, of course, but I’m reminded to keep my eyes on Him and His strength and faithfulness rather than my circumstances.

This past week Martina and I got to spend a few days at Selah. Selah is a retreat center for JV missionaries to spend time with God in solitude and reflection. It was truly the Lord’s timing for me to get some time there, soak in the beauty of God’s creation and spend some intentional time asking Him for direction. I’m so thankful for the early sunrises, mountain air, and time on rocking chairs doing my morning devotions. What a treat it was!

Martina and I have now been living together for almost three months. What was supposed to be just over two weeks has turned into three months! And what a gift this time has been. God knew how much this friendship would be a gift to both of us and it’s been such a provision of the Lord in this season. We’ve laughed, cried, cooked, cleaned, talked, prayed and just enjoyed. I’m so thankful for her and this friendship that the Lord has provided in such a unique season.

My team and I are continuing to seek some answers for my residency here in Czech and my visa situation. Being a foreigner in the midst of a pandemic is an interesting situation to be in but I’ve seen just how much God is in the details.