When Life Gets Hard

Today marks two months until I move back to MBI and start classes a few days later and tomorrow marks two months since returning back to the states. I am counting down the days till I move back to a dorm room (who does that…) and the days that have passed since returning feel long and drawn out. I’ve been working at a French Bakery in Old Town for a little over a month now. I bike to work and mostly everywhere which can be enjoyable but is mostly just really sweaty and confining. I miss having a UPass, which is an unlimited CTA pass which I am given while I’m in school. I’ve been living in this apartment, at the West end of Humboldt Park, for about seven weeks. I live with four other girls, who I barely see so it’s almost like I live alone. Not many of my friends are here this summer and the ones that are, we have opposite schedules. I started going to a new church which is about 30 people in size, all a new experience for me…coming from a church of about 1,500 where I knew lots of people and community was sweet.

Thus, this has been a lonely two months. I spend my days off in my bedroom most of the time because the weather has been bad and I don’t have many people to make plans with. I normally work afternoon shifts, get off work, bike home, eat something, watch a couple episodes of Friends on Netfiix and then go to sleep. Everything in me wants to move out and go live with my parents or live up north where they will be moving soon. Today I was kicking myself, wishing I just lived at home this summer and then moved to WI when my parents did. The house I grew up in, the house they live in, just went on the market a couple weeks ago.

It’s funny because a couple of years ago I only dreamed of having a summer living in an old apartment in Chicago, working at a bakery. And now that I’m here, I loathe it. I dread it. It takes everything in me to say, “I trust you, God. I know there is a purpose for this.” Because I don’t know if I can honestly say that. What I’ve learned so far is that life is incredibly bittersweet. I miss Israel and traveling more than I could ever explain. In fact, I’ve neglected editing photos because I miss it so much. Surely it was the best decision I’ve made in my life thus far. But every season of life is always hard to leave. Just ending a sweet, life-changing season and entering one of loneliness and despair is one of the hardest things. Going from having an awesome, constant, always there for you community and to a season of such a lack of community isn’t easy.

So what do I do? Do I sit here and wait and wait for these two months to pass? Do I look at photos and miss the past knowing I can never get it back? No. As Psalm 42 says, “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”

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